I have been seeing a few couples for premarital counselling in Delhi, and I have noticed something.

Before marriage, we spend so much time asking, “Kitni gun mil rahi hai?”
Will our families match? Will the kundlis match? Will everything look right from outside?

But I feel we sometimes forget to ask the person sitting in front of us some very important questions.

Because marriage is not only about whether you are compatible on paper.

It is about knowing how this person loves, how this person gets hurt, how they handle stress, what they need from you and what they want from life.

And I don’t mean you should sit with your future partner and ask all these ten questions like an interview!

These are conversations you should have over a period of three to six months. Slowly. Naturally. You learn about a person by listening to them, watching them and noticing how they behave.

Here are 10 questions I would want every couple to talk about before marriage.

1. What experiences in your life have shaped the way you love?

This is not about digging into someone’s childhood or asking for their entire past.

It is about understanding what has shaped them.

For example, someone may tell you,
“My parents used to fight a lot when I was growing up. I learnt to keep quiet when there is conflict.”

Now you understand something about this person.

Maybe when you have an argument after marriage, they don’t talk because they don’t care. Maybe they have learnt that keeping quiet is the safest thing to do.

Understanding this can make a big difference.

2. What brings you joy?

We talk so much about problems in relationships that we sometimes forget to ask what makes our partner happy.

What makes them feel alive?

Maybe it is travelling, cooking, long drives, playing badminton, watching movies, gardening or simply sitting and talking.

You want to know these things because marriage should not only be about managing responsibilities.

It should also be about enjoying life together.

3. When you are hurting, what helps you feel loved?

This is a very important question.

Because we don’t all want comfort in the same way.

One person may say,
“When I am upset, just hug me.”

Another person may say,
“Please give me some space. Just stay around me.”

Neither is wrong.

The important thing is that your partner knows what you need when you are hurting.

4. What are you most afraid of in a relationship?

We often ask, “What makes you angry?”

But I want couples to also ask, “What scares you?”

Maybe someone is afraid of being left.

Maybe they are afraid they will never be good enough.

Maybe they are afraid of losing their freedom.

Maybe they are afraid that their partner will stop choosing them.

When you know the fear underneath, you can understand many behaviours differently.

Sometimes what looks like anger, control or withdrawal is actually coming from fear.

5. How do you know that you are loved?

Don’t only ask, “What is your love language?”

Ask something much simpler:

“What makes you feel deeply loved?”

One person may say,
“When you ask me about my day.”

Another may say,
“When you sit with me.”

Someone else may say,
“When you stand by me in front of your family.”

You may love your partner very much, but still not make them feel loved if you don’t understand what love looks like to them.

6. What happens to you when you are stressed?

This is one question I really want couples to ask before marriage.

When you are stressed, what do you do?

Do you become quiet?

Do you want to be left alone?

Do you want to talk?

Do you become irritable?

Do you need your partner to come closer?

Because sometimes one partner is stressed and needs space, while the other thinks, “Why are you pushing me away?”

And then the fight begins.

If you know this about each other beforehand, you can understand each other better.

7. What are the small things that make you feel unseen or unimportant?

We usually think relationships break because of very big things.

But many times it is the small things that keep hurting us.

For example:

“When you are on your phone while I am talking.”

“When you interrupt me.”

“When you make fun of me in front of your friends.”

“When you cancel plans without telling me.”

These things may look small to one person but may feel very big to the other.

It is better to know them early.

8. What do you need from me when we disagree?

Please talk about this before your first big fight.

When we disagree, what do you need?

Do you need ten minutes alone?

Do you need your partner to reassure you that the relationship is okay?

Do you want to finish the conversation immediately?

Or do you need some time and then come back to it?

For example, one person may say:

“If you need space, that’s okay. But please tell me that we will come back and talk about it.”

Another may say:

“When I am very angry, please give me twenty minutes before we continue.”

This is how couples start understanding how to handle conflict together.

9. What do you wish people understood about you that they often miss?

I really like this question.

Because sometimes the person we see is not the whole person.

Someone may look very confident but actually be very scared of disappointing people.

Someone may look like they don’t care, but actually they may not know how to express emotions.

Someone may look demanding, but underneath they may be scared that they are not important.

This question lets your partner show you a part of themselves you might not otherwise see.

10. What kind of relationship do you want us to build together?

This is where you start talking about your future.

Not only “Do you want children?” or “Where will we live?”

But:

What kind of marriage do we want?

Do we want a peaceful home?

Do we want to travel?

What kind of parents do we want to be?

How do we want to deal with our families?

How do we want to handle disagreements?

What kind of relationship do we want our children to see?

Because marriage is not only about finding the right person.

It is also about deciding what kind of relationship the two of you want to build.

And one more thing I want to say

There is a common belief that opposites attract.

I don’t completely agree.

You don’t have to be the same person. You can have different personalities, interests and ways of doing things.

But there are some things that I feel are important to have in common—your basic values, important life goals and what you expect from a relationship.

You can be very different and still have a beautiful marriage.

But if one person values family involvement and the other wants complete independence, or one wants children and the other doesn’t, these are not small differences.

These are conversations you need to have.

And please don’t ask these ten questions on your first date and think, “Okay, I have understood my partner.”

You haven’t.

People reveal themselves slowly.

Have these conversations over time. Listen to the answers. Ask, “Tell me more.” Ask, “What was that like for you?” Notice how they behave when they are angry, disappointed, stressed, or when things don’t go their way.

Because premarital counselling is not about finding out whether your partner is perfect.

Nobody is.

It is about understanding each other better before you make one of the biggest decisions of your life.

I am a couple therapist based in Delhi, and I work with couples who want to understand their relationship better before marriage, not only when there is already a problem.

Sometimes the best time to work on your marriage is before you get married.